Bitter Heartbeat
by Autumn Leaf Ninja
Summary: When ThunderClan's deputy loses the one most important to her, she loses interest in the future. That is, until her emotions take control of her and cause her to do the most unlikely of all things.


_Is this my end?_ I was left to wonder as I dashed through the snow, away from my infuriated Clan-mates, the thick golden fur of my hind paws drenched in red blood. Such was the fate I had brought upon myself. I have betrayed my Clan; all my Clan-mates no longer want anything to do with me. My world was falling apart, and all because of a mistake I made this past green-leaf.

It all began one night in the middle of the season, not long after the death of my only kin, my sister and littermate, Lightwing. The night was dark and quiet, cold and lonely, even though signs of life were still audible and visible. I found myself lost in my emotions, and, as a result, my mind was too scattered to process that I had crossed over into ShadowClan territory.

I realized this only after pine needles had dug deep enough into my pads to make me bleed. The pain snapped me back into reality soon enough to avoid an encounter with any detestable ShadowClan cats. Panicking, I turned tail and started back to ThunderClan territory as fast as my paws could carry me. Before I made it there, however, a ShadowClan warrior intercepted me.

"Mouse-dung!" I cursed, inaudible to the tom in front of me. My gaze darted across the trees behind him as I tried to make a route for a quick escape.

Just as I was about to dash away, he spoke. "Don't even think about running. Your scent is now on ShadowClan territory. Not only that, but I've seen you, so I know what you look like and who you are. Don't think that by rushing back to your camp you'll be safe. Even Clan leaders get into trouble. Just because you're the ThunderClan deputy, that doesn't mean that you can get away with any trouble."

I was frozen with fear for my future now. I'm generally not this vulnerable and reckless; I wouldn't be the deputy if I was. However, right then and there, I was afraid, and the facts were against me. What was I to do?

With a _mrrow_ of laughter and a drastic change in temperament, the tom spluttered, "You should've seen your face! You looked so terrified."

I glared at him. Who was this warrior, and what in StarClan's name was he doing?

"No worries," he continued. "I'm not going to tell on you. It'd be on my conscience, even though you're the one at fault here. I want to make a deal with you, Amberstrike. Meet me here at moon-high, okay?"

"Wait just one moment," I protested. "Who are you? Why do you want to meet me?"

"I'm Nightstrike," he introduced. The name matched his dark gray pelt and dark green eyes. "It's nice meeting you, deputy."

_Why does he seem so casual? He sounds as though he's talking to an old friend!_

"Answer my other question," I demanded.

"Well, aren't you bossy?" he teased. My patience was running out. "I want to meet you because I think you're swell."

_I'm… swell? _"What is _that_ supposed to mean?" It took me a heartbeat to realize that I was talking to myself; Nightstrike had left me alone. I took this opportunity to sprint back to my territory. I told Redstar, my Clan leader, that I wasn't feeling well so that I could have the day off and would be well rested for my trip to ShadowClan that night. I was unsure if I should be prepared to fight.

Just before moon-high that night, I left camp and arrived at the ShadowClan border to meet Nightstrike and found that he was already there. I stepped up to the border but did not cross it. I was not going to take any more chances of being caught with my scent across another Clan's border. Meeting a tom from another Clan like this was the riskiest thing I've ever done, and it was all because I was blinded by grief and accidentally crossed the border.

"Nightstrike," I called softly as I caught sight of his gray fur in the darkness. "It's me, Amberstrike."

"Yes, I know," he called back. He seemed to have no concern over being heard by some cat, as he was meowing at a normal level of loudness. He picked his way around a bush and approached the border. He stood right in front of me and made a motion to lick my ear in a friendly greeting. I stepped back, hissing. My amber fur fluffed up and my green eyes narrowed to slits.

He did not react to my hesitation to trust him. "Well, if you don't want to be casual, you don't have to be."

"Shut up," I growled. "I wanted to ask you something." His head tipped to one side curiously. "What did you mean before, when you said that you thought I was swell?" I asked, averting my eyes. This question had been pestering me practically all day. I wondered about it before I fell asleep and after I had awakened.

"That's what you wanted to know?" His whiskers were twitching. "I've heard the stories about all the bold things you did to become deputy." He rambled, "They say that when you were appointed ThunderClan's deputy, some cats didn't want you for the position because of your ambitious nature, but that your positive aspects outweighed the negatives, so you were their choice in the end. I've heard some nasty rumors about your fierce loyalty to your Clan, though, so I felt stupid about asking you to meet me here, but you must have known what I really meant by asking you to meet me."

"Oh, I had a few ideas," I answered pointedly.

"Don't get the wrong idea here. I wanted to see what you're really like, to get to know you. Besides, you owe me. I won't tell on you if you keep meeting me here when I ask you to."

"And if we get caught, what will you do then?" I snarled distrustfully. "Will you run like any other fox-hearted ShadowClan coward? Wouldn't you?"

"No, I'm not that cold. As a matter of fact, you're the one who's being cold here. I would have thought that a golden she-cat would have a golden heart. In contrast to that baseless idea, the dark-pelted cat has more of a golden heart than the golden-pelted one."

Choosing not to respond to what he just finished saying, I snapped, "Tell me the real reason why you wanted to meet me, would you?"

"I wanted to get to know you better," he insisted. It was my fault for allowing that to happen, for allowing us to get to know each other better by continuing to come to meet him at his request. It was my entire fault that any of this happened because it was I who crossed over into ShadowClan territory.

It took me three whole moons of meeting him to realize that I was starting to fall in love with him. I knew this was not going to have a positive effect on my life. When one falls in love, surely everything should feel better, but not when they're in love with a cat from another Clan. Once again, I was falling victim to my emotions. I betrayed my Clan once more in the fifth moon, and when I learned from Pinestripe, ThunderClan's medicine cat, that I was expecting kits, I was unsure what to do with myself.

It was leaf-bare, and a freezing one. I learned after a quarter-moon in the nursery and a half-moon of not meeting with Nightstrike, which we had both agreed was for the best until I was able to return to my regular duties, that four ShadowClan cats had perished due to green-cough. I asked Redstar who had died due to the horrible disease, and learned that Nightstrike was one of them. Was this StarClan's punishment for me?

Once Redstar had spoken Nightstrike's name as one of the dead cats, a dreadful wail escaped my throat. There in the clearing, in front of every other ThunderClan cat, I cried, "My kits! Oh StarClan, what will happen to my kits?"

"What are you meowing about?" Redstar demanded. "What do your kits have to do with ShadowClan cats?"

"Nightstrike, he…" I trailed off, realizing what I was about to say. It didn't matter, though; my Clan-mates were not foolish enough to not make the connection.

"Is that why you've seemed so tired lately?" Pinestripe wondered out loud.

"A ShadowClan cat has fathered her kits!" a queen named Gorseheart screeched. "We can't allow them to taint our Clan!"

With those words, and without me truly confessing any information besides repeating Nightstrike's name, my Clan-mates turned on me, their trusted deputy. They chased me out of the camp and out of the territory, but continued dashing after me even then. One of the swifter warriors came close enough to me to slash at my paws, causing the amber fur on my hind feet to be hidden under the deep, dark red of my blood that tainted the snowy ground the same color with each step I took.

After a while of running, my paw-steps started to falter. I was an expectant queen, yet I was expected to run from my Clan-mates at full speed. Fear for my life drove me onward. Risking a glance backward, I saw that fewer warriors were following me now. The queens must have returned to their dens.

Eventually there was nowhere left to run; a cliff was before me. The only land I could move to was somewhat distant. Trusting in StarClan and the limited strength left in my paws, I took a leap for the land across the large gap. With a thump, I reached the other side.

**This is my second challenge for SecretClan, the "Bitter Wind" challenge. The character Amberstrike was created by Gone (The Gone Angel) as the main character for my entry. The minimum for challenge was 700 words, and I wrote 1641 words (not including this Author's Note). :)**

**Well, as always, I hope everyone enjoyed it! :) Let me know what you think!**


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